for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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