tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
