I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
