May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
