i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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