Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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