my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
