just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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