Someone shit on the floor
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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