how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
