At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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