You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
