I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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