so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
