he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i will never coherently bang her
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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