then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
