dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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