oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
