When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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