im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you had me at cake vodka
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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