It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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