When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
