wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
she woke up with a sticky ear
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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