Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
