I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
