i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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