You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
