The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
