i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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