so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
