moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
