We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
