And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
