loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Randomize
