Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We have started to decorate penises.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
