Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
