There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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