I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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