I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
