States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just want to make out with him forever
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
