every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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