new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
