just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
