Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
