Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
