The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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