And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude i'm inner monologue high
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
