Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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