During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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