dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
