I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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