you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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